Of all the phobias in the world, my biggest fear is fear of failure. (and arachnophobia...)
- failure in college
- failure in relationships
- failure to live up to expectations
I'm not the type of person to get depressed at the drop of a hat. In fact, I don't think I've ever *really* been depressed. But, I certainly have my moments of being down about things.
--College--
I've started college for my associates degree in graphic design. I'm at a local technical college, still living at home. Not exactly where I thought I would be, but it's turning out good and I'm appreciating it. (plus, it's a whole heck of a lot cheaper than most universities)
I'm getting good grades, so I'm not literally failing, but I get the feeling like life isn't moving fast enough for me. (which, I'll discuss in the "relationships" section too...)
One of my best friends is CLEPing his way through college, and he's nearly done after only about a year. I know that graphic design is a little different, since it requires a lot of hands on things that you can't just test out of, but being the over-achieving home schooler I am, it seems like I should be going a lot faster my schooling.
I have to realize that it's okay to be 'normal' for once, and do college at a typical pace.
--Relationships--
(or lack thereof)
I should clarify, I don't mean friendship relationships. I'm not lacking in friendships,I so appreciate all of my friends, they have been such a blessing to me. But, I'm talking about *ahem* special relationships. (whenever I see a state route "S.R" sign I always, always first think "special relationship"! thanks TeenPact. hehe)
I don't have a boyfriend, or anything remotely close to that.
I've never been asked out on a date.
I'm 18, never been kissed.
As a whole, I'm generally fine with these facts. I've learned to be content with where God has placed me, in this time of my life. Appreciate my 'singleness' and enjoy my life.
But, it gets difficult when nearly everybody around me is in a relationship of some kind and I just feel left out. Now, I don't feel like I 'need' a boyfriend to feel complete or anything like that, I'm quite stable in myself as a person, but- sometimes I just think it would be nice.
I'm only 18, and I know it's ridiculous to feel "left out" or "behind" because I'm not in a relationship, because I really have plenty of time and lots of life to live. But still.
--Expectations--
Expectations really apply to all of these sections.
Everybody expects me to be going to a really good 4 year art school instead of a local tech college.
I'm expected to be in a relationship. (augh, so frustrating)
I'm expected to be this mature, spiritually deep person.
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with everything that people expect of me. I'm all for raising expectations for teens, and pushing your self and getting out of your comfort zone.
But, I'm NOT PERFECT, people! Don't expect me to be.
I'm going to fail at times, and you shouldn't be so shocked when I do.
I'm expected to know exactly what I want to do with my life, and have precise career goals planned out.
Well, I don't.
And I'm OK with that. Every one else should too. (I'll stop venting now. ;] )
Anyway, to sum it all up, I just wish I could skip ahead five years and be past the college part, maybe to the married part, and halfway to the "having life figure out" part.
But, all of this just brings me entirely closer to Christ. Realizing that I can't figure things out on my own, and how much I need to rely on Him for everything. That he has a spectacular plan for my life, college, relationships and absolutely everything else.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. -Phillippians 4:6
3 comments:
Wow, you have no clue how similar we are in some aspects.
1. single! lol I know what you mean about the "all the friends in relationships" thing. It can be very frustrating. I'm still young and I want to hang out with people and have fun but it seems like everyone is off doing their own thing with their significant others.
2. I gave up trying to meet everyone else's expectations some time ago. Live up to the expectations God has for you. I to have no set career plans for after college and I only have 1 year of college left! When people ask me what my plans are and my answer is "I still have no clue" I can just see them cringe...but I'm not living for them, I'm living for God and if He hasn't given me any further instructions yet who are they to question Him? The same goes for the expectation for being in a relationship.
3. I feel similarly about college. I just want to get through it and on to what lies ahead. However, not knowing what that is throws a bit of a wrench into things... I think lately God has been teaching me a whole lot of patience and reliance on Him.
Sometimes it's just good to know that we aren't the only ones going through certain situations. :)
Life has an amazing way of teaching us experientially. God keeps working on me, and one thing that I have learned from experience is that when I truly lay my concerns, desires, and fears at the foot of the cross and experience the resulting peace and complete trust, God gets to work on these things with his perfect timing.
You are such an amazing person, Ruthie. I truly appreciate you for sharing your thoughts. We are all in 'that place' at one time or another, and it is God's plan for us to trust Him. I know it is easier said than done, but once we do it, we learn how to let go. God is so gracious and good, and He will never forget us.
There are things in my life that I have been praying to be resolved for many years. In some cases, I have had recent breakthroughs when I realized that I needed to trust Him. In other situations, God is still loosening my white-fingered grip on trying to make things happen or control specifics. It is in God's plan for us to do the things that we can do, but he constantly reminds us to let go of those things that we can't do and let God do them in His time, which is always in our best interest.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." ~Proverbs 16:3
I am praying for your plans and goals, sweet friend.
I know, I feel the same way a lot of the time =/ And I feel especially far behind since I'm not even graduated from high school yet (although, sometimes I feel like I am...and that's weird).
But "figuring life out" never gets any easier, I'm told, whether you're old or young. Maybe older, married, and careered (not a word x]) people seem like they have it all together, but they don't. I look at them though and wish I wasn't still stuck back here where I am.
I agree with Maurissa wholeheartedly! :) We all need to step out of our perfect Christian boxes and say, hey, we're all going to mess up, let's not pretend that we have it all together.
I've been thinking a lot about being content, lately, and the verses "Godliness with contentment is great gain" and also the one you quoted (Phil.). I know that if I can't be content with God *right now*, than no matter what happens to me later, I won't be content then either.
Love you, Ruthie!:) Great post
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