Of all the phobias in the world, my biggest fear is fear of failure. (and arachnophobia...)
- failure in college
- failure in relationships
- failure to live up to expectations
I'm not the type of person to get depressed at the drop of a hat. In fact, I don't think I've ever *really* been depressed. But, I certainly have my moments of being down about things.
--College--
I've started college for my associates degree in graphic design. I'm at a local technical college, still living at home. Not exactly where I thought I would be, but it's turning out good and I'm appreciating it. (plus, it's a whole heck of a lot cheaper than most universities)
I'm getting good grades, so I'm not literally failing, but I get the feeling like life isn't moving fast enough for me. (which, I'll discuss in the "relationships" section too...)
One of my best friends is CLEPing his way through college, and he's nearly done after only about a year. I know that graphic design is a little different, since it requires a lot of hands on things that you can't just test out of, but being the over-achieving home schooler I am, it seems like I should be going a lot faster my schooling.
I have to realize that it's okay to be 'normal' for once, and do college at a typical pace.
--Relationships--
(or lack thereof)
I should clarify, I don't mean friendship relationships. I'm not lacking in friendships,I so appreciate all of my friends, they have been such a blessing to me. But, I'm talking about *ahem* special relationships. (whenever I see a state route "S.R" sign I always, always first think "special relationship"! thanks TeenPact. hehe)
I don't have a boyfriend, or anything remotely close to that.
I've never been asked out on a date.
I'm 18, never been kissed.
As a whole, I'm generally fine with these facts. I've learned to be content with where God has placed me, in this time of my life. Appreciate my 'singleness' and enjoy my life.
But, it gets difficult when nearly everybody around me is in a relationship of some kind and I just feel left out. Now, I don't feel like I 'need' a boyfriend to feel complete or anything like that, I'm quite stable in myself as a person, but- sometimes I just think it would be nice.
I'm only 18, and I know it's ridiculous to feel "left out" or "behind" because I'm not in a relationship, because I really have plenty of time and lots of life to live. But still.
--Expectations--
Expectations really apply to all of these sections.
Everybody expects me to be going to a really good 4 year art school instead of a local tech college.
I'm expected to be in a relationship. (augh, so frustrating)
I'm expected to be this mature, spiritually deep person.
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with everything that people expect of me. I'm all for raising expectations for teens, and pushing your self and getting out of your comfort zone.
But, I'm NOT PERFECT, people! Don't expect me to be.
I'm going to fail at times, and you shouldn't be so shocked when I do.
I'm expected to know exactly what I want to do with my life, and have precise career goals planned out.
Well, I don't.
And I'm OK with that. Every one else should too. (I'll stop venting now. ;] )
Anyway, to sum it all up, I just wish I could skip ahead five years and be past the college part, maybe to the married part, and halfway to the "having life figure out" part.
But, all of this just brings me entirely closer to Christ. Realizing that I can't figure things out on my own, and how much I need to rely on Him for everything. That he has a spectacular plan for my life, college, relationships and absolutely everything else.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. -Phillippians 4:6
